


Elpis

by Paindepice



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Depression, Depressive Thoughts, Fate/Grand Order AU-ish, Gen, M/M, Rating is for the core theme of the fic, good ending, this is mostly vent writing please don’t linch me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paindepice/pseuds/Paindepice
Summary: It’s a dreaded sense of not belonging that makes everything turn on its axis.It comes slowly, like a slithering snake.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Elpis

**Author's Note:**

> Note to everyone: Yet again, this has some descriptions of depression and stuff, please remember to be kind to yourselves and treat your soul gently. Depression is one hell of a beast, and this fic is just me venting about it through Seungkwan.  
> This is also very personal to me, so please be kind.
> 
> One last note: I put Fate/Grand Order AU-ish because just the main general plotpoints are there, nothing else.

It’s a dreaded sense of not belonging that makes everything turn on its axis. 

It comes slowly, like a slithering snake. 

First, with him not being able to laugh at his friends jokes. When they sit at a tavern and eat and drink, and laugh. Seungkwan tries, but… it feels like he is just a stranger, like the dreadful feeling that he doesn’t belong settles in and never goes away.

Second, is how heavier his steps become, how harder it gets every time he has to get up and walk, and fight, even unsheathing a sword feels heavier and heavier.

Third, is the nightmares, the insomnia, and all in between. If he’s sleeping he just dreams and dreams of people he misses, people he hasn’t talked to in a while, all of them asking  _ why _ . If he’s awake it’s his mind telling him the worst things.

It gets exhausting, and of course everyone notices.

Outside of their separate world, earth is dying, they travel through time and space to stop it but sometimes it gets hard. Their caster is good, a good strategist, a great leader. S.coups keeps the mark in his hand as a symbol of hope, something everyone can rely on. 

But then again, Seungkwan’s mind wanders, it thinks and thinks and thinks, of the worst endings.

For that Scoups benches him. 

_ I get it, you need some rest _ .

Seungkwan doesn’t need the rest.

_ You can stay here and take your time, no one will blame you if you end up deciding to be in the communication team in the end. _

Ah…

There it is.

He’s not going to fight anymore.

He has nothing more to wake up every morning for, then.

So he lies down in his bed, most of the time. One day Scoups and his team leaves, and when they come back a week later, Seungkwan is still there, in his bed. 

Seokmin comes when Seungkwan needs to eat, Sooyoung comes when he needs to clean his room, Jihoon comes when he needs to train. 

Sometimes it’s easy to get up, to eat, to walk, to train. Some others he cries alone, because it’s hard, it’s hard and they all notice. 

A week goes by like this, and Scoups has to leave again. Jeonghan, Jisoo, Mingyu and Minghao leave with him.

So Seungkwan mopes. He walks around, he thinks, looks out of the ivory tower they are living in. The white walls and infinite glass windows, outside it’s snowing, constantly. Nothing it’s out there, just ashes and the promise of a better reality. His sword is by his hip, it makes a dull metallic sound every time he takes a step.

God knows what time it is. Days seem to draw longer and longer, and yet they fly faster than Seungkwan has made any notice of. Slower than a snail’s pace, faster than a hummingbird’s wing flapping. 

At least being in Scoups’ team meant that he got to actually go outside, and see the sun, and see the world from before it ended.

He looks pale, when he checks himself in the mirror, maybe even slightly leaner, just a bit. His bed is a mess, his room’s curtains are drawn, he doesn’t want the fake sun’s rays in his room. So he is in constant darkness. 

And time passes.

x

It’s a week and a half when Scoups and everyone comes back, Seungkwan tried to be in the communication team’s head quarters, but all he did was sit back and look, sometimes Mingyu would tap in to send a message, picture or a relic, but nothing much. The peers in communication team are nice people, they work hard and that’s what makes Seungkwan feel worse. It makes him feel worthless.

How can a being that transcends time and space be so useless, god.

So he goes back to his room and doesn’t come out, not until Jeonghan is knocking lightly at his door, the night they come back.

Jeonghan doesn’t say much, hates when Seungkwan is in that state, because he worries so much for everyone, he cares so much for everyone. So when Seungkwan cries, he tries not to show it to Jeonghan.

_ Scoups is summoning a new champion tonight, you should come with. _

Jeonghan is gentle, caresses the top of Seungkwan’s head, his back, his hair again. 

_ Please do come by _ . 

And Seungkwan nods, so that Jeonghan doesn’t worry.

Seungkwan comes late, half an hour late, because it took him a lot to get up, and by the time he was out of his bed, it was already super late, so now, he just shows up with a hoodie and a pair of comfortable pants. No one comments on his tardiness, no one flinches at his clothes.

Wonwoo sits with him, and Mingyu pats his shoulder.

Scoups manages to find two new champions and a bunch of helios energy, that accumulates whenever Scoups fails a summoning. 

One of them some of them recognise, Minghao applauds, a sincere smile on his face when he sees who it is. He presents himself as Jun, witty expression and wide smile, his personality just from those few seconds seem to fill the room they are in, bows and makes an oath of honor for Scoups cause, and kisses the symbol in his hand. They all did that. 

Seungkwan remembers when he came out of that summoning circle, of how he came out with bigger hopes and an even bigger will to fight. Now it all seems so dull, so far away that it breaks his heart to think about it. 

He has lost himself and he doesn’t even know where that Seungkwan went. Should he be looking for that will, where can he find it back? He needs it.

The second person no one recognizes, he has dark hair and a cold stare, he presents himself as Vernon. Vows his existence to Scoups cause and then, the summoning is done. Everyone is curious about him, they surround him and ask every kind of question. Seungkwan watches from a little corner of the room until no one is paying him much mind. He slips out of the room and goes to sleep.

Vernon as what Seokmin is saying, is a nice dude, very sincere and gentle, and Seungkwan has no doubt about it, all champions recalled by Scoups have been good people, historical and mythological creatures devoted to justice and everything that was good in humanity.

Seungkwan cannot remember who he was before being summoned, most of them don’t, and that’s fine, that’s why they find a new name whenever they get summoned. 

x

Seokmin talks and talks, and it’s easy for Seungkwan to just listen and not think for once. 

The week after that Scoups leaves, brings with him Jun, Minghao, Seokmin and Jihoon. And that leaves Seungkwan without someone to talk with, since the others are used as backup.

So he wanders again, in the white empty halls of the facility they are in. It’s snowing out, but again, no snow seems to be accumulating on the ground either way, it just floats and dissolves before it can touch the ground. Seungkwan wonders, he must be feeling like that snow right that moment. He is floating, and whenever he will touch the ground, he will be gone, maybe forever, maybe not. Maybe he’ll come back as another mythological creature, such is his fate.

He stumbles upon Vernon when he wanders, Seungkwan is moving towards the library and Vernon is moving towards the communication room, so they are moving in opposite directions. 

Seungkwan feels awkward, because he's the only one that hasn’t spoken to him yet, but it’s not like he can ignore him, and there's nowhere to hide. So he bows slightly, a simple  _ hi  _ in passing. Vernon smiles gently and does the same. And that’s it.

Somehow his brain twists that occasion that night. Yet again it plays tricks on him, repeats it over and over and over.  _ Maybe he doesn’t mean to be cordial.  _

_ That smile was probably fake. _

_ He doesn’t even know you, why would he even say hi? _

But why would he  _ not? _

Seungkwan is in the library the second time he stumbles upon Vernon. He walks in the room, and Seungkwan is sitting on top one of the high stairs that are propped against the big bookshelves, he finds it comfortable there, like a nestled hawk. He can see the entire room from there and he’s closer to the warm lights in there.

Seungkwan is nervous, so he pretends to not see Vernon come in. Vernon doesn’t really notice him until Seungkwan turns a page in his book.

_ Oh,  _ he says,  _ hi _

Seungkwan wants to ignore him, it's horrible, he truly wants to feign not being able to hear him. But he answers back, he nods, and then goes back to his book.

He hopes that’s the end of that interaction, because he really doesn’t want to continue it. But Vernon is unaware of that, so he tries to start a conversation anyways. 

_ Do you come here often? _

_ Do you know if they have this kind of book, or that kind of book? _

Seungkwan is not a rude person, he answers but it’s stilted, he answers not to continue the conversation but to end it. Somehow Vernon gets it, he nods at his answers and then thanks him, and leaves. 

_ He hates you now _

_ You were so rude to him  _

_ He probably won’t talk to you anymore  _

Seungkwan can’t read with those thoughts, so he closes the book he has in his hands and goes back to his room. Where he stays for the rest of the day.

Once again his mind repeats the scene, fabricates ways to make him feel horrible, he sounds ruder in his mind, Vernon looks sadder in his mind, everything looks wrong and horrible and rude.

Seungkwan is slowly taking steps, goes in the indoor garden, takes care of a few plants in there, Jihoon is with him when they come back, Seungkwan is sitting by a tree, just existing.

Jihoon talks about what they did, and then again, it’s easy for Seungkwan to listen and not think, to say this or that, say the right words at the right moment. Jihoon’s smile makes him feel better somehow. 

x

Everyone compliments Vernon, he is good, he is an amazing fighter, he is a gentle person, he is a thoughtful friend. Seungkwan believes them, there is no doubt in his mind that he is what his friends tell him, but there is also the ugliest of feelings in his chest whenever he hears them talk about Vernon. 

Seungkwan is a good fighter too, why has he forgotten that? Why is he doubting his own self-worth just because someone else seems to be better at it than him? 

He knows it’s not a competition but he feels left out, forgotten almost. It’s ugly, it’s just the ugliest feeling ever, and he cannot express it to anyone because they would call him childish, they would call him petty. There is no reason for him to put Vernon and himself and compare the two of them. But he does, and it’s horrible how much self-hatred he finds in there.

He hates the feeling and suppresses it. 

_ I’m fine, he _ says to Jeonghan. Jeonghan who worries so much for him, who constantly notices if he’s being a little bit too dull, if he’s not talking much. What else could he even say to him? 

He just feels inferior, and it’s so stupid. How can he even express that in words? 

Right. He can’t.

x

There are things that still make him smile, they are small, and they come unexpectedly. He smiles at them, and everything is fine for a few hours, then everything comes back crashing down on him and he cannot handle the feelings he’s having for the rest of the day. 

There is a room they all use for healing, it is full of fresh spring water, magical and iridescent. Seungkwan floats in it, hoping the water can help him heal, but all it does it’s make him feel cold. So he floats in there, looks at the ceiling, as he floats in the pool. 

No one really uses it anymore, they all have gotten better at fighting, and usually the kind of wounds they get are minimal. It’s a good sign, it’s a sign of evolution, but he feels stagnant.

He sits on the border of it, swirls the water with his legs. Begs the water to heal him, but it’s useless, all it does is shine and negate his request. He just wants to rest, it feels like he doesn’t get anything done, but even so, it’s all so exhausting. 

So he sleeps. He sleeps until he cannot recognize the day from the night. Until he wakes up and sees that it’s 5 am and isn’t sure if it’s true. 

Scoups comes back again, this time it took them two weeks and various backups, so everyone has been busy. But they got the victory, and even though everyone looks battered and tired they all are happy to be of any help.

Seungkwan greets them this time around, tries to smile, he even dressed up with his own uniform and his weapon. It’s dull around the edges from underuse but he figured that at least he should look at his best for them. 

Scoups hugs him, and that’s fine, Jeonghan has a few scratches in his face, he looks sweaty, but fine, everyone else looks almost the same kind of tired. Seungkwan thanks them for their efforts, he truly misses this, being able to hold his sword and have the willpower to fight for what’s good.

  
  


_ Are you ok?  _ Mingyu asks that night, he is in his bed, laying down besides Seungkwan, the light is off and so, it’s easier for him to just cry. 

Seungkqan doesn’t answer, and Mingyu doesn’t say anything, he just holds him. 

_ I’m sorry  _ is what he says, when he finally stops crying.

x

The company feels overwhelming, when they all finally sit together and eat. The energy is off the charts, it’s contagious, and he manages to laugh a bit, while everyone drinks and gets more and more drunk. 

_ I read the book you told me to _ , Vernon says out of nowhere. Seungkwan nods, sips on his cup and smiles.

_ I liked it, it reminded me of home _ . 

It’s nice, Vernon seems to talk gently and approach him whenever it looks safe for him to do so.

It’s clear to Seungkwan that Vernon is walking on eggshells around him, everyone is.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Seokmin and Minghao talk, Mingyu says something in Seokmin’s ear and they all laugh. It almost feels like mockery.

It’s a joke, he is a joke. He is the joke.

x

Soonyoung is everything Seungkwan is not, he has always been aware of that. Even now, while he talks slowly to Seungkwan, he can bet he can see the spark of compassion in his eyes.

_ Scoups says that you need some help  _

Seungkwan nods, that is true. He is just scared of asking for help, but he also is so tired of saying that he is ok. So how is he even going to balance the two things out? He can’t stay like this forever and he can’t seek help. 

_ Please let us help you  _

He doesn’t remember answering, he just feels the vicious feeling in his gut, as if he is enraged with whatever his team is trying to push on him.

He doesn’t mean to be angry, he doesn’t want to be this sad, it’s exhausting living like this, floating in the nothingness of an existence that doesn’t have an objective anymore.

He wants to cry, because that’s the only answer he has to everything those days.

But he  _ can’t  _ cry because Soonyoung is still there.

_ Please leave, _ he answers. And Soonyoung does.

x

Seungkwan is not proficient at cooking, he is sure that if he was to live all by himself he would probably just cook the three or four things he knows, and very badly too.

Mingyu is great at it, so he does cook, and Seokmin helps sometimes.

Minghao has taken the hobby of painting, he is a good artist, one that is not ashamed of his work, and it’s great.

Jihoon knows how to play instruments, a large variety of them.

Seungkwan knew how to sing, he used to sing, but he doesn’t as of recently. He can’t, it’s the onl thing that he has left but he feels like if he picks it up now, his mind will find a twisted way to tel him that it’s not enough, and he doesn’t want that to happen. 

_ Will you sing for me? _ Jeonghan asks one day. They are sitting in the garden, all of them spread around, enjoying the rays of the artificial sun over their heads.

Jun and Vernon are close by, and so is everyone else. But Jeonghan asked as if it was just the two of them in there.

So he does.

Jeonghan compliments him, everyone else does too, Seungkwan appreciates the compliments, but that night of course his mind wanders, yet again.

  
  


The third time he is in the healing room, Seungkwan is floating again, dead centre in the middle of the pool. He asks if his life is worth all this trouble, if he really needs to  _ feel,  _ if he needs this pain.

He is tired of it, he just wants to snap out of it and be the one that he used to be. He doesn’t recognize this person anymore, he is tired of this person, he hates this person.

x

The communication team is composed of various people, professionals that used to work for the facility and that have various degrees of competence in different things. 

When Jeonghan gently pushes him towards one of them, Seungkwan lets him. 

_ Tell me what you feel  _ she asks, and Seungkwan wants to say  _ everything _

But it’s more true that he feels  _ nothing _ .

The first session is him rambling, once the faucet is open he just starts pouring and pouring and pouring, until just the tears are left.

  
  


Things move slowly from there, but he gets better, he backtracks in some things, and then he slowly heals. 

Seungkwan starts from small things, for once he draws the curtains of his room open, whenever he wakes up, the sun is there to greet him. Small steps, he reminds himself. He does one or two things, every day. He works with the communication team, brings them coffee if they need it, brings them lunch if they want it. He cleans his room, he cleans his sword, he cleans his uniform, he doesn’t wear them yet, but it is something. 

Small things, he helps Jihoon, he sits with Jeonghan and talks, for once he is the one to talk, and Jeonghan listens. He doesn’t look angry at what he hears, he just looks relieved and empathetic, and that gives some relief to Seungkwan.

He helps Mingyu cook, he jokes with Seokmin, he watches Minghao paint. Small things, sometimes they feel dull, but it’s not  _ always  _ anymore, it gets less and less hard to get up from his bed everyday. 

Scoups is happy about that, this time they walk together when Seungkwan wanders. They joke around, and Seungkwan feels relieved, that nothing of what has happened in those past weeks (months?) has tarnished his friendship with the others. 

Things look less grim, for sure, it’s slow, slower than the days that pass, but it’s  _ something  _ and for that he is… happy. 

For once he is happy. 

_ I think we started off with the wrong foot, I’m sorry for that _ he says to Vernon,  _ I’m Seungkwan, it’s nice to meet you _

_ It’s nice to meet you too _ ,  _ Seungkwan,  _ Vernon answers. 

X

“I was jealous of you,” Seungkwan says, they are both laying down on the ground, sweaty.

It’s the truth, though, and it hangs in there in the middle of their bodies.

“I know.” Vernon answers. It’s curious, how Vernon just  _ knows,  _ but he does and Seungkwan doesn’t really know how to answer to that.

“You didn’t have to be, I was lost for most of the time, and homesick for the rest of it.” 

It hits him, how in his misery he didn’t really get that. 

“But I’m glad I got to know you better.” He continues, “Thank you for letting me be your friend”

Seungkwan smiles.

_ Friend _ . It’s a nice word, it’s a good evolution from  _ acquaintances _ . 

x

Him and Vernon walk about, they walk together when they can. They go to the library, they go in the communication room, they go to the garden. Truly the places they can go together are limited, but the ways they go about their days are limitless. Seungkwan is learning how to cook for once, and Vernon helps, learns with him.

Their last attempt is Bibimbap, the cucumbers came out a little bit burnt, but it’s no big deal. At least that’s what Vernon tells him. Seungkwan looks anxiously at Mingyu, while he tries the dish.

He gives thumbs up and Seungkwan sighs in relief.

x

Vernon is by no means a great singer, but he tries, he asks Seungkwan for help, and Seungkwan helps him. Tells him how to breathe through his diaphragm, how to hold notes in a consistent way. When it’s his birthday, he sings for him a little tune. 

_ Tell me what you feel,  _ She asks again, a year later.

He feels content. He tells her the truth, that sometimes it’s still hard, and that sometimes he takes a break, but that he has consistently been feeling okay, and that’s great.

x

Vernon holds his hand when they walk side by side. Offers him a flower, a smile, a song. It’s courtship, Seungkwan knows the rules. 

“I know what you’re trying to do” Seungkwan says once, while they walk idly around the facility. Vernon’s hand is warm. 

He blinks “Mh?”

“You can’t really win my heart againif we are already friends” 

Vernon giggles, it’s a cute little thing, the sound of it. 

And Seungkwan feels good, again.

He feels hopeful.


End file.
